Fostering Our Family Tree: Hello. DCF Calling!!

Fostering Our Family Tree: Hello. DCF Calling!!: I got a call from my FRW at 3:40 on Friday night - the Friday before July 4th weekend. Here is a brief synopsis of the conversation: FRW: ...

Hello. DCF Calling!!

I got a call from my FRW at 3:40 on Friday night - the Friday before July 4th weekend. Here is a brief synopsis of the conversation:

FRW: Hey Kelly! How are you?
ME: Good. Just finishing up work and heading over to pick up LD.
FRW: Hey, when's #2 coming? 
ME: She's coming for an overnight the 3rd-4th, and then she's being dropped off on the 6th. 
FRW: So you're free this weekend?

- Let's stop to take a minute to see how not having a 2nd foster child for the long weekend meant I was "free." -

ME: Why? What's Up?
FRW: I have a little girl that needs a placement for the weekend. It's an emergency. 

And that is how a beautiful little 4-year-old ended up sleeping in the toddler bed in the kids' room.  

The drop-off was eye-opening.  I told my FRW that I'd be home around 4:30. At about 4:45 a car pulled into the driveway and a woman and little girl started making their way up my driveway.  Before we even got through the door the social worker was asking me how long I could keep her on Monday. I ignored her and turned to the little girl and introduced myself and LD. I asked her what her name was and how old she was and said 4 was a really great age. After actually acknowledging this little human (who will be referred to as BG 'big girl'), I turned to the social worker and said I would be home all day on the 3rd because I'd taken the day off, but that our second foster child was coming in the morning for an overnight. The social worker said something to the effect of "Okay so someone will be here to pick her up in the afternoon." It dawned on me that Monday was the 3rd and I knew the DCF offices would be closed on the 4th. I asked where BG was going to be on the 4th and the social worker said, "I don't know."  I automatically said, "We will keep her if we're allowed to have 3 under 4 years old in one room." The social worker told me to call my FRW because she didn't know the answer to that question.

At that point we made our way inside.  BG had a small brown backpack with her and the social worker was carrying a purple duffel bag. The duffel bag was placed on the floor and BG held on to her backpack as the social worker waited for me to call my FRW. I called her and asked if BG stayed with us until the morning of the 5th would it be okay to have two 1-year-olds and a 4-year-old sleeping in the same room.  DCF has guidelines around ages and genders staying in the same room. My FRW said it was fine so I confirmed with her that BG would be with us throughout the long weekend.

I hung up and let the social worker know it was all set. The social worker, who wanted made it more than 3 feet into my kitchen, said "Okay great. She's all set then." and turned to walk out the door. 

Let's stop again to reflect on this. This sweet girl was standing in my kitchen and had no idea who I was or where she was. Her social worker was about to walk out the door and I didn't even know BG's last name. 

I noticed a medicine bottle sticking out of BG's duffel bag so I asked the social worker if BG had any allergies or medical issues I should know about (fairly important right?). The social worker said "No." so I asked about the medicine and I was told it was fluoride. I attempted to ask BG if she had already taken it that day, but being 4 and possibly in shock/overwhelmed she wasn't exactly the best source of information. The social worker said she didn't think this little girl's previous foster mom wouldn't have given it to her. The assumption was made that I would wait and give BG her fluoride the next morning.  I'm just glad it wasn't an actual prescription for anything significant. 

At about 5:05pm the social worker walked out and it was me, LD, and BG.  The three of us against the weekend! 

The night went fine and so did today. BG is sweet, imaginative, polite, funny, and everything a 4-year-old should be. She's great with our little dude. She is also wise in ways that she shouldn't be. She walked around Walmart pretending to be a DCF worker - as if these people are in everyone's lives. She talked about how this was her first time being a foster-kid. She wanted to know if she could talk to her previous foster mom. She talked about stealing and being safe. She asked me when I would scream at her and gave examples of things she thought I would scream at her for doing. She told me she wanted to go home. She misses her Mom a lot and told me that every house she saw was her Moms. At bedtime tonight we talked about meeting her Mom in her dreams to ride on unicorns as they danced on rainbows. 

Tomorrow will be another day. 

ps. I never found out her name until this morning when I read it on the bottle of fluoride. 

Fostering Our Family Tree: The Emotions Get So Jumbled Up

Fostering Our Family Tree: The Emotions Get So Jumbled Up: I started to write this blog about all the things that have happened over the past few weeks. There has been a lot of stuff going on with do...

The Emotions Get So Jumbled Up

I started to write this blog about all the things that have happened over the past few weeks. There has been a lot of stuff going on with doctor's appointments, illnesses, specialist appointments, child care changes, a parent visit, a FRW visit, a social worker visit, a probate visit, etc. I could take up a lot of space writing about all of these appointments - these appointments have taken up a lot of time. But I'm not going to do that.  I need a chance to write about the emotions of all of this because while there are a lot of things happening, the emotions are what sit with all day. 

Watching our little guy learn and grow has been amazing. Because I work in early intervention I've had many opportunities to watch kids struggle with a new skill, learn the new skill, and move on to something else.  It is a whole different ball game when that kid is your own.  Our little dude came to us not walking and not saying any words. He is now all over the place and trying his hardest to run!  Tonight was funny watching him swing his arm as he walked around the living room - a new today thing he's started doing. It's really hard not to smile when I think about it!  He is also saying a few words now - all done, up, on, boom.  I finally recorded them tonight because his voice is adorable and I want to remember it forever. 

And there it is, the part that gets me - we might not have him forever. His little voice saying "mumma" may be the only voice we hear from him. I am trying very hard to remember that we are his "right now" family. We are the people God chose for him at this specific time in his life. It's so easy to type these words as they come, but to actually sit and think about is another thing altogether. It makes me so deeply sad to think about the future without him. I try to stay focused on the right now. I try to remember that this is God's plan and my feeble attempts to control it are futile. What He wants to be will be. What's funny is there are times when I really hope LD's Mom is ready to have him back in her life.  That's where a little boy should be - with his Mom and with his family. I believe in my soul that people can change (I may have said that before so excuse me if I'm reiterating it - I think I need to tell myself this more often now), so I pray for LD's Mom to make the changes she needs to make so she can provide the best life for her son. Her son. My son. What a lucky guy to have two women who love him so much they each call him their son. Right?

It's like I'm stuck in this gray area. A limbo for people who want to be parents more than anything else in the world. Day-to-day I love being his Mom. I love seeing his big smile when I get him out of his crib in the morning. I love picking out his clothes. I look forward to getting pictures from his childcare providers. I want my work days to end early so I can scoop him up and smoother him in kisses and hugs. Now, don't get me wrong. I also love nap time and bed time. I love when my husband is able to do bath time and I can sit and mindless scroll through Facebook.  

I don't want this post to feel overly sad. I'm not sad. I'm an emotion I can't really put into words.  I'm eternally grateful that God has given me an opportunity to make a difference in this little dude's life. I am happy beyond words that I get to hear his little voice everyday. I'm overjoyed to be his Mom right now. I am unsteady in my reactions when he falls or bumps his head. I worry that I shouldn't let anything happen to him because he's not my son. But when the ophthalmologist told me he didn't want to help because he didn't see the lazy eye that I've seen since LD came to us - I turned into full-on Mamma Bear, because he is my son.  

Ugh - the emotions get so jumbled up.  This post is definitely not one of my best. It's not incredibly thought out or focused. But my hope in writing and sharing about my experience as a foster parent is to be true. I want to share the realness of it all.  During my MAPP training the faciliatators all made it very clear that being a foster parent isn't all butterflies and rainbows.  I think it's probably safe to say that parenting in general isn't butterflies and rainbows, but I think I'm starting to understand what they mean. Being a foster parent is managing the emotions that come with being a parent, but also keeping in mind (and in check) the emotions that come with knowing this might not be forever.

So I will save the video of our little dude saying "all done" and "up(pa)" and "on."  I will save it because it might be our forever. This little dude will forever be part of our lives. He is shaping my husband and I each and every day. 

6 Week Meeting and a Llama

So much has happened in the past couple of weeks.  I honestly cannot believe that our Little Dude will have been with us for 4 weeks this Tuesday.  Drop-off, pick-up, bath time, meal time, play time, nap time, and all the other times - it's cliche, but time really does fly.  

We had the 6-week placement meeting with DCF last week. Even though he's only been with us for 4 weeks he has been in the care of DCF for 6, and that is the first time a meeting occurs between all the people involved.  At this meeting there was Justin and I, LD's social worker, the social worker's supervisor, our FRW, and the site supervisor (I think that was her title).  Little Dude's bio-mom was also invited but not present. The meeting was basically a review of how everything has been going.  The site supervisor led the meeting and began by asking LD's social worker about why he was removed from Mom's care.  The conversation was informative and I'm so glad we were there to hear more about our LD's story. The conversation shifted to how our guy has been doing and what types of services he's receiving and what he needs.  The supervisor was great about explaining why and what was happening. We were also asked if we needed any additional resources. We learned about the next steps - a court date at the end of May, then (if LD stays in DCF custody) another DCF review meeting.  I honestly can't remember if that will happen at 3 months or 6 months. I think it's a 3 months, then there is another one at 6 months, and finally a fourth meeting around 9 months to talk about LD's permanency plan.  

The permanency plan is what Little Dude's track is - reunification or pre-adoptive.  Most, if not all, children who are removed from the care of their parents have a goal of reunification.  It's incredibly complicated and I don't have enough knowledge to share without muddy things, so I'll just say this - LD's plan is reunification. In my heart I know the best place for him is with his biological family if they can provide a safe and loving environment. However, my heart also knows that there will be a hole if LD leaves us.  There are lots of prayers in this house for our Little Dude to always be in a place filled with love. 

In addition to that meeting we've also scheduled a couple appointments with different specialists and are waiting to hear back from a few more. We are transitioning to a new daycare that is closer and will give LD more opportunities with kids his own age. We've had a visit with our FRW and his SW, and LD has had a visit with his Mom at the DCF office. 

We've taken our Little Dude to the park, out to eat, to church, to family functions, and to the library to meet a llama.  These have been the best times!  It's so much fun watching him watching everything around him.  He's so nosy! We always have to remind him to actually look at what he's eating because he's too busy smiling at anyone who catches his eye. He loved the park, especially the slide. It was a lot of work for him to walk up and down the hills and climb the stairs to the slide. I think I was more excited about meeting the Llama at the library. LD was interested, but was more excited about being in a new place with other kids.  Such a fun experience for both of us. Today was a day with Justin. I love that he is so comfortable taking care of and hanging out with LD.  He's always on the floor with him, playing, making him laugh, getting him to eat, and just being a great Dad. 

I'll keep the updates coming, but don't mind me if I can't write as often as I'd like to - I'm probably busy hanging out with our Little Dude! We've got a long weekend coming up and we have nothing scheduled.  My mom might be coming up for a visit and meeting LD for the first time!  Another person to spoil him and love him.  What a lucky Little Dude! 

Dear LD

Dear Little Dude,

You've been with us for almost two weeks. How is it possible that you are 12 days older than you were when you arrived at our door? You seem more comfortable at home now and appear to be settling into the routine.  Tonight was the end of another busy weekend and you are upstairs (hopefully) fast asleep. 

Just like every night since you arrived we ended our bedtime routine with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. You watched me, with those big brown eyes, and smiled when I gave you a kiss goodnight.  The only difference tonight was the tears - mine, not yours. But don't worry little dude, they were the good kind of tears. They are the same tears that are making it hard to see these words as I type.  The tears I had in my eyes tonight were tears of love.

I won't lie LD - there have been moments when I've just been exhausted and a bit defeated. I think the tiredness is the hardest part. I feel like my brain literally shuts off when you go to bed. Done. Even on the days that I'm at work I'm still thinking of you just about every minute.  Does that ever stop? It's a little weird because you came to us as a toddler so we never had those first few months together to really get to know one another. You arrived and life kept going. The first few days I thought of what you were doing and what you were thinking.  Were you wondering what front door you'd be seeing that night when the SW dropped you off? Did you think Justin and I were just another stop on your journey? Were you worried that your stuffed animal wouldn't be in the crib with you? 

Now that you've seemed to be a bit more comfortable with us, I think about what you might like to eat for dinner; again, I haven't had the time to get to know your favorite foods, and more importantly, your least favorite foods. What are we going to do before bath time? What are we doing this weekend? Next weekend? Did you have a favorite toy before that you were looking to play with again? Do we need more toys? Do you wonder if those two big dogs will still be at the house? And if they are will they lick your face and hands when you get home?  I spend so much time thinking about what you are thinking about.

There's also the physical tiredness.  You've gotten me moving in a way I didn't think was possible.  I am crawling, running, and stretching all day long.  You keep me on my toes and my legs, arms, and feet are paying for it. It's funny how people say "you don't need to do to the gym today!" Let's be clear little dude - I never went to the gym. I'm starting to regret that decision. Now, the house is the gym and you are the craziest trainer ever. My body's getting use to it though and as you get stronger I will too.  

You know what's really amazing though?  The tiredness is only a small part of last 12 days. There is also excitement, pride, happiness, silliness, and all the good stuff that comes with having a toddler. You've learned so much since coming to us.  We were told you weren't walking and now you are all over the place.  You still crawl (fast), but you're definitely up on your feet much more. You climb right up the stairs, and onto and off the couch. You've started making new sounds and imitating some almost words - up, more, uh-oh; and you might even have a real word - this. You're still pretty quick to get frustrated, but we're working on saying "help" and taking breaks with songs. You've waved and blown kisses a few times, and you LOVE giving high-fives. I get so excited when you do new things and it's just amazing to watch you learn. I keep reminding myself that some of these things might not actually be new, but since becoming part of our family they are new and we celebrate each and every new accomplishment.   

The past 12 days have been so full. It's the only word that I can think of that describe this feeling I have when I think of you.  There is a fullness that sometimes feels like it's too big to keep inside.  Maybe that's why some of those tears leaked out - my heart needed more room. It needed more room to love you, because I do LD - I love you so much. Your right-now Mom and Dad have more love for you than our hearts can hold, so there's a good chance you'll see more of those tears; but always remember they are the good tears. They are tired tears, happy tears, proud tears, and love tears. 

Sleep tight little dude.  

There's More & There's Less

And just like that our first weekend is over.  He's sleeping. We are ready to crash.  The weekend went by so quickly and yet it feels like there are more hours in the day now - which makes sense because I don't think I've seen 5:30 am on a Saturday in years!!  We had our first play-date.  It's funny because play-dates are a thing that I grieved when we found out we wouldn't be having kids naturally.  I had always assumed I would get together with friends and our kids would get to play together.  This Saturday morning meant so much to me and, more importantly, our little dude had a blast! We went to Target later in the day and that's when it really started to hit me.  The image I always had in my head - pushing a shopping cart while talking to a little kid, keeping them from grabbing shoes off the shelf, and trying to remember why we walked in the door - was happening. It's funny because to everyone else we probably just looked like a Mom and kid shopping for shoes and shorts; but to me it was a dream come true.  It's a funny thing isn't it?  How a dream can be something as simple as singing silly songs while walking through the toddler clothes section of a crazy busy store. 

Tomorrow is the start of our second week with him.  This week is going to be a busy one. We've organized our drop-offs and our pick-ups. We have a WIC appointment and a pediatrician appointment - both in the same town, on different days (of course).  We have mostly early nights, with one or two that might stretch past bedtime. We will certainly continue with our early mornings.  This week will be nothing like last week. This is because there is now more and less of things in our life. Here's what I mean - 

There is less junk food and more family meals.

There is less cleaning and more exploring.

There is less arguing and more laughing.

There is less food on the floor and more food in the dogs' bellies.

There is less worrying about "getting it all done" and more time spent figuring out ring stackers and puzzles.

There's less TV and more music and singing.

There's less sitting on the couch and more playing on the floor.

There is less talk of my schedule and your schedule and more talk of our schedule.

There is less alone time for Justin and I, but there is more family time for all three of us.  

There is less waiting for dinner and more hand holding between "cousins".

There are more hugs, more kisses, more cuddles, more love, and more dreams coming true.


There is less and there is more - and it's everything that's making our life complete. 

Ollivander is waiting patiently for more treats. 

Holding hands with his "cousin" at dinner on Tuesday.