The Emotions Get So Jumbled Up

I started to write this blog about all the things that have happened over the past few weeks. There has been a lot of stuff going on with doctor's appointments, illnesses, specialist appointments, child care changes, a parent visit, a FRW visit, a social worker visit, a probate visit, etc. I could take up a lot of space writing about all of these appointments - these appointments have taken up a lot of time. But I'm not going to do that.  I need a chance to write about the emotions of all of this because while there are a lot of things happening, the emotions are what sit with all day. 

Watching our little guy learn and grow has been amazing. Because I work in early intervention I've had many opportunities to watch kids struggle with a new skill, learn the new skill, and move on to something else.  It is a whole different ball game when that kid is your own.  Our little dude came to us not walking and not saying any words. He is now all over the place and trying his hardest to run!  Tonight was funny watching him swing his arm as he walked around the living room - a new today thing he's started doing. It's really hard not to smile when I think about it!  He is also saying a few words now - all done, up, on, boom.  I finally recorded them tonight because his voice is adorable and I want to remember it forever. 

And there it is, the part that gets me - we might not have him forever. His little voice saying "mumma" may be the only voice we hear from him. I am trying very hard to remember that we are his "right now" family. We are the people God chose for him at this specific time in his life. It's so easy to type these words as they come, but to actually sit and think about is another thing altogether. It makes me so deeply sad to think about the future without him. I try to stay focused on the right now. I try to remember that this is God's plan and my feeble attempts to control it are futile. What He wants to be will be. What's funny is there are times when I really hope LD's Mom is ready to have him back in her life.  That's where a little boy should be - with his Mom and with his family. I believe in my soul that people can change (I may have said that before so excuse me if I'm reiterating it - I think I need to tell myself this more often now), so I pray for LD's Mom to make the changes she needs to make so she can provide the best life for her son. Her son. My son. What a lucky guy to have two women who love him so much they each call him their son. Right?

It's like I'm stuck in this gray area. A limbo for people who want to be parents more than anything else in the world. Day-to-day I love being his Mom. I love seeing his big smile when I get him out of his crib in the morning. I love picking out his clothes. I look forward to getting pictures from his childcare providers. I want my work days to end early so I can scoop him up and smoother him in kisses and hugs. Now, don't get me wrong. I also love nap time and bed time. I love when my husband is able to do bath time and I can sit and mindless scroll through Facebook.  

I don't want this post to feel overly sad. I'm not sad. I'm an emotion I can't really put into words.  I'm eternally grateful that God has given me an opportunity to make a difference in this little dude's life. I am happy beyond words that I get to hear his little voice everyday. I'm overjoyed to be his Mom right now. I am unsteady in my reactions when he falls or bumps his head. I worry that I shouldn't let anything happen to him because he's not my son. But when the ophthalmologist told me he didn't want to help because he didn't see the lazy eye that I've seen since LD came to us - I turned into full-on Mamma Bear, because he is my son.  

Ugh - the emotions get so jumbled up.  This post is definitely not one of my best. It's not incredibly thought out or focused. But my hope in writing and sharing about my experience as a foster parent is to be true. I want to share the realness of it all.  During my MAPP training the faciliatators all made it very clear that being a foster parent isn't all butterflies and rainbows.  I think it's probably safe to say that parenting in general isn't butterflies and rainbows, but I think I'm starting to understand what they mean. Being a foster parent is managing the emotions that come with being a parent, but also keeping in mind (and in check) the emotions that come with knowing this might not be forever.

So I will save the video of our little dude saying "all done" and "up(pa)" and "on."  I will save it because it might be our forever. This little dude will forever be part of our lives. He is shaping my husband and I each and every day. 

Things Are Getting Real

We had a visit with our FRW this afternoon.  Earlier in the day she had emailed asking for a final document and to let us know that she had a kid to talk to us about.  Obviously Justin and I spent the rest of the day thinking about the "kid".  The conversation went from normal to crazy real quick - A baby? A Toddler? Siblings? Teen Mom? Yup - quick escalation. 

The excitement happened fast but we were also quick to keep it in check. We've been told things can change from day-to-day and even hour-to-hour when you're working with DCF.  We spent the day finishing the kid's room and rearranging the living room. We'd spent the past few days cleaning, organizing, and finally painting both rooms so everything was everywhere. 

By 3pm we were ready for our visit. Our FRW arrived and we jumped right into the kids (yes you read that correctly - multiple children) she wanted to talk to us about.  Here's what we know:

1) The first little guy (R) is 18-months-old.  He has global developmental delays and has been night-to-night for a while.  Night-to-night means he's been sleeping at different foster homes because his social worker hasn't been able to find a permanent placement for him. He goes to daycare Monday-Friday and, because his teachers there have been consistent throughout multiple prior placements, the plan would be for him to continue there. He would be coming to us either Monday or Tuesday.

2) The second little guy (J) is 7-months-old.  He was premature and born exposed to drugs. He had some medical complications and is currently "in a hospital bed" because his needs were too great for a typical foster home.  His health has improved and is no longer in need of the medical placement so he'll be loosing his medical bed May 31st. The plan for this baby would be developing a transition plan with his current caregivers and social worker. We'd be visiting him in his placement until he's ready (and we're ready) for him to come home with us.  

So let's recap - 2 kids. 2 kids under 2-years-old. 2 kids under 2-years-old within the next 2 month.  

FRW made sure we knew that she wasn't asking us to take both kids, especially since this would be our first placement.  She thought both would be good matches given my background in early childhood development/early intervention. She was especially hopeful that we'd be interested in taking R because he'd been night-to-night for awhile. Justin and I asked a few questions and talked about both kids for about 15 minutes. 

We agreed to take both R and J.  We might be crazy. We might be over-zealous. We might be welcoming two little boys into our lives for a week, a month, 6-months, a year, forever.  

What we are definitely doing is beginning this amazing part of our lives.