The Emotions Get So Jumbled Up

I started to write this blog about all the things that have happened over the past few weeks. There has been a lot of stuff going on with doctor's appointments, illnesses, specialist appointments, child care changes, a parent visit, a FRW visit, a social worker visit, a probate visit, etc. I could take up a lot of space writing about all of these appointments - these appointments have taken up a lot of time. But I'm not going to do that.  I need a chance to write about the emotions of all of this because while there are a lot of things happening, the emotions are what sit with all day. 

Watching our little guy learn and grow has been amazing. Because I work in early intervention I've had many opportunities to watch kids struggle with a new skill, learn the new skill, and move on to something else.  It is a whole different ball game when that kid is your own.  Our little dude came to us not walking and not saying any words. He is now all over the place and trying his hardest to run!  Tonight was funny watching him swing his arm as he walked around the living room - a new today thing he's started doing. It's really hard not to smile when I think about it!  He is also saying a few words now - all done, up, on, boom.  I finally recorded them tonight because his voice is adorable and I want to remember it forever. 

And there it is, the part that gets me - we might not have him forever. His little voice saying "mumma" may be the only voice we hear from him. I am trying very hard to remember that we are his "right now" family. We are the people God chose for him at this specific time in his life. It's so easy to type these words as they come, but to actually sit and think about is another thing altogether. It makes me so deeply sad to think about the future without him. I try to stay focused on the right now. I try to remember that this is God's plan and my feeble attempts to control it are futile. What He wants to be will be. What's funny is there are times when I really hope LD's Mom is ready to have him back in her life.  That's where a little boy should be - with his Mom and with his family. I believe in my soul that people can change (I may have said that before so excuse me if I'm reiterating it - I think I need to tell myself this more often now), so I pray for LD's Mom to make the changes she needs to make so she can provide the best life for her son. Her son. My son. What a lucky guy to have two women who love him so much they each call him their son. Right?

It's like I'm stuck in this gray area. A limbo for people who want to be parents more than anything else in the world. Day-to-day I love being his Mom. I love seeing his big smile when I get him out of his crib in the morning. I love picking out his clothes. I look forward to getting pictures from his childcare providers. I want my work days to end early so I can scoop him up and smoother him in kisses and hugs. Now, don't get me wrong. I also love nap time and bed time. I love when my husband is able to do bath time and I can sit and mindless scroll through Facebook.  

I don't want this post to feel overly sad. I'm not sad. I'm an emotion I can't really put into words.  I'm eternally grateful that God has given me an opportunity to make a difference in this little dude's life. I am happy beyond words that I get to hear his little voice everyday. I'm overjoyed to be his Mom right now. I am unsteady in my reactions when he falls or bumps his head. I worry that I shouldn't let anything happen to him because he's not my son. But when the ophthalmologist told me he didn't want to help because he didn't see the lazy eye that I've seen since LD came to us - I turned into full-on Mamma Bear, because he is my son.  

Ugh - the emotions get so jumbled up.  This post is definitely not one of my best. It's not incredibly thought out or focused. But my hope in writing and sharing about my experience as a foster parent is to be true. I want to share the realness of it all.  During my MAPP training the faciliatators all made it very clear that being a foster parent isn't all butterflies and rainbows.  I think it's probably safe to say that parenting in general isn't butterflies and rainbows, but I think I'm starting to understand what they mean. Being a foster parent is managing the emotions that come with being a parent, but also keeping in mind (and in check) the emotions that come with knowing this might not be forever.

So I will save the video of our little dude saying "all done" and "up(pa)" and "on."  I will save it because it might be our forever. This little dude will forever be part of our lives. He is shaping my husband and I each and every day. 

Bath, Books, Bedtime

Our little guy has been with us for 5 hours and he's already stolen my heart.  

I spent yesterday emailing back and forth with our FRW.  She was tying up all the last minute details and keeping me posted the whole time.  We were told R would be coming either yesterday or today. The paperwork stuff didn't fall together in time so we ended up waiting until today.  Everything started all over first thing morning.  More emails back and forth and then finally. . . the phone call from our FRW.  "You're approved!"  I was so excited that I almost cried. I was driving down 91 South and almost pulled over.  She let us know that she was going to talk to R's social worker and that I should expect a call from her.

I called Justin to let him know the news.  We were officially foster parents.  We are foster parents. We talked about being home by 3:15ish so we'd have some time before he arrived at 4:15. I hung up with Justin and continuing driving to my office.  I made it almost into the parking lot and my phone started ringing.  It was R's social worker.  Despite being in the right line to pull into my office's parking lot I switched lanes and pulled into the parking lot across the street.  Apparently this was a conversation for the Walgreen's parking lot.

I was only on the phone with the SW for a short time, but I let her know that a ton of questions to ask her when she brought him to us.  The next couple of hours are  blur.  So much happened - phone calls, getting things at work organized (haha), figuring out an unexpected flat tire on Justin's car, and eventually getting home.

We did some last minute stuff - installing the highchair, getting some toys out, and installing the car seat. You know, nothing major.  The SW pulled into the driveway and I had to restrain myself from running out the door and looking like a total crazy person.  I patiently waited for her to come to the door.  R arrived and immediately changed our lives. 

Justin and I are no longer two people living our own life.  I don't want to sound dramatic, but I already feel like there is someone way more important sleeping in our house tonight.  (Just don't tell the dogs I said that)  I'm already looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning and seeing his (hopefully) smiley face.  I want to hear his giggle and see what else he likes to eat.  This is the best adventure I have ever been on.  I'm not naive. I know part of this excitement is the "first parent" honeymoon phase, but that's okay.  I'm okay being that crazy first-time parent.  A few years ago I didn't think I would ever get to have these first moments.  Smelling his hair fresh out the bath, reading a book, singing him to bed, and listening at the door to make sure he'd fallen asleep.  

I cannot wait for tomorrow.  

The Journey Begins

This is the beginning of our journey down a road that will likely have bumps, wrong turns, dead ends, surprises, laughter, learning, faith, and love. It is also the beginning of a journey that will undoubtedly change our lives forever. We are becoming foster parents.

Justin and I have been married for 7 1/2 years and we started trying to have biological children pretty soon after our last dance. To make a very long story short - we both have some fertility issues and we've been unable to have children. In those years together, with 5 more before the actual wedding, we've become a solid team of two. We have our ups and downs, but in the end we are a couple of people meant to be together forever. Our faith and belief in God has strengthened our love and over time we realized God had a plan for us to raise children in a way we had only briefly considered. There had been times when I talked to Justin about feeling the call to adopt a child and we discussed the possibility of doing just that after having our own biological children.  

A few years ago we went to an orientation meeting for becoming foster/pre-adoptive parents through the Department of Children and Families (DCF). The meeting was informational but it didn't feel like something we were ready to jump into.  

Flash forward to December 2016 - I was having a hard time with not being able to have children the "old-fashioned" way and was talking to my therapist about all the emotions that come with infertility. He said something that has stuck with me since that day - "maybe you were not meant to give birth children, but to raise children." That was the moment that it all clicked for me. Of course my husband and I were going to raise children, but that didn't mean I had to be pregnant for 9 months and actually deliver them.  It meant that we were going to parent children. We were going to provide a safe and loving home for children. It meant that we were going to have "up-all-nighters", dirty diapers, first steps, first words, and lots of love. 

I made a phone call to the local DCF office and was quickly enrolled in the mandatory 10-week MAPP training.  MAPP stands for Massachusetts Approach to Partnerships in Parenting.  The class was eye-opening. There were five instructors, including a current foster parent, and about 10 other people taking the class.  We talked about the highs and lows, the ins and outs, and the goal of foster care - reunification.  That was probably the part that scared me the most. My biggest fear was (and still is, although not as strong) not being emotionally able to let go of the children that would be coming into our lives.  Justin and I talked about it and decided we would take each situation as it came - staying close together through everything. I've been reminding myself that "babies need attachment more than foster parents need to be protected from it."  

So, where are we now?  We've finished our classes, our fingerprints have come back, and our CORIs (criminal record check) have processed.  We had our meeting with our Family Resource Worker (FRW) and she is working on/finishing/has already completed our Home Study. Essentially we are waiting for a phone call. We have bins of clothes that have been donated, purchased, and gifted; we have toys, sheets, bath toys, bottles, sippy cups, some diapers and wipes. Things are not even close to being "ready", but what parent is ever 100% ready? We need to paint the bedroom and figure out where all the stuff is going - but it will happen.  Everything will fall into place, or it won't and we'll figure things out on the fly. That's the exciting part, right? 

I've enjoyed blogging before and this is going to be a long journey that I feel needs to be documented.  I have no expectations of posting or keeping this going for years to come, but it will be an organic thing that will grow as our family grows.  I'm hoping to share stories, information, ideas, and emotions.  I'll start off with some pins I've found on Pinterest that have struck a chord with me over the past few months. 

Here's to our new adventure!