Dear LD

Dear Little Dude,

You've been with us for almost two weeks. How is it possible that you are 12 days older than you were when you arrived at our door? You seem more comfortable at home now and appear to be settling into the routine.  Tonight was the end of another busy weekend and you are upstairs (hopefully) fast asleep. 

Just like every night since you arrived we ended our bedtime routine with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. You watched me, with those big brown eyes, and smiled when I gave you a kiss goodnight.  The only difference tonight was the tears - mine, not yours. But don't worry little dude, they were the good kind of tears. They are the same tears that are making it hard to see these words as I type.  The tears I had in my eyes tonight were tears of love.

I won't lie LD - there have been moments when I've just been exhausted and a bit defeated. I think the tiredness is the hardest part. I feel like my brain literally shuts off when you go to bed. Done. Even on the days that I'm at work I'm still thinking of you just about every minute.  Does that ever stop? It's a little weird because you came to us as a toddler so we never had those first few months together to really get to know one another. You arrived and life kept going. The first few days I thought of what you were doing and what you were thinking.  Were you wondering what front door you'd be seeing that night when the SW dropped you off? Did you think Justin and I were just another stop on your journey? Were you worried that your stuffed animal wouldn't be in the crib with you? 

Now that you've seemed to be a bit more comfortable with us, I think about what you might like to eat for dinner; again, I haven't had the time to get to know your favorite foods, and more importantly, your least favorite foods. What are we going to do before bath time? What are we doing this weekend? Next weekend? Did you have a favorite toy before that you were looking to play with again? Do we need more toys? Do you wonder if those two big dogs will still be at the house? And if they are will they lick your face and hands when you get home?  I spend so much time thinking about what you are thinking about.

There's also the physical tiredness.  You've gotten me moving in a way I didn't think was possible.  I am crawling, running, and stretching all day long.  You keep me on my toes and my legs, arms, and feet are paying for it. It's funny how people say "you don't need to do to the gym today!" Let's be clear little dude - I never went to the gym. I'm starting to regret that decision. Now, the house is the gym and you are the craziest trainer ever. My body's getting use to it though and as you get stronger I will too.  

You know what's really amazing though?  The tiredness is only a small part of last 12 days. There is also excitement, pride, happiness, silliness, and all the good stuff that comes with having a toddler. You've learned so much since coming to us.  We were told you weren't walking and now you are all over the place.  You still crawl (fast), but you're definitely up on your feet much more. You climb right up the stairs, and onto and off the couch. You've started making new sounds and imitating some almost words - up, more, uh-oh; and you might even have a real word - this. You're still pretty quick to get frustrated, but we're working on saying "help" and taking breaks with songs. You've waved and blown kisses a few times, and you LOVE giving high-fives. I get so excited when you do new things and it's just amazing to watch you learn. I keep reminding myself that some of these things might not actually be new, but since becoming part of our family they are new and we celebrate each and every new accomplishment.   

The past 12 days have been so full. It's the only word that I can think of that describe this feeling I have when I think of you.  There is a fullness that sometimes feels like it's too big to keep inside.  Maybe that's why some of those tears leaked out - my heart needed more room. It needed more room to love you, because I do LD - I love you so much. Your right-now Mom and Dad have more love for you than our hearts can hold, so there's a good chance you'll see more of those tears; but always remember they are the good tears. They are tired tears, happy tears, proud tears, and love tears. 

Sleep tight little dude.  

The Journey Begins

This is the beginning of our journey down a road that will likely have bumps, wrong turns, dead ends, surprises, laughter, learning, faith, and love. It is also the beginning of a journey that will undoubtedly change our lives forever. We are becoming foster parents.

Justin and I have been married for 7 1/2 years and we started trying to have biological children pretty soon after our last dance. To make a very long story short - we both have some fertility issues and we've been unable to have children. In those years together, with 5 more before the actual wedding, we've become a solid team of two. We have our ups and downs, but in the end we are a couple of people meant to be together forever. Our faith and belief in God has strengthened our love and over time we realized God had a plan for us to raise children in a way we had only briefly considered. There had been times when I talked to Justin about feeling the call to adopt a child and we discussed the possibility of doing just that after having our own biological children.  

A few years ago we went to an orientation meeting for becoming foster/pre-adoptive parents through the Department of Children and Families (DCF). The meeting was informational but it didn't feel like something we were ready to jump into.  

Flash forward to December 2016 - I was having a hard time with not being able to have children the "old-fashioned" way and was talking to my therapist about all the emotions that come with infertility. He said something that has stuck with me since that day - "maybe you were not meant to give birth children, but to raise children." That was the moment that it all clicked for me. Of course my husband and I were going to raise children, but that didn't mean I had to be pregnant for 9 months and actually deliver them.  It meant that we were going to parent children. We were going to provide a safe and loving home for children. It meant that we were going to have "up-all-nighters", dirty diapers, first steps, first words, and lots of love. 

I made a phone call to the local DCF office and was quickly enrolled in the mandatory 10-week MAPP training.  MAPP stands for Massachusetts Approach to Partnerships in Parenting.  The class was eye-opening. There were five instructors, including a current foster parent, and about 10 other people taking the class.  We talked about the highs and lows, the ins and outs, and the goal of foster care - reunification.  That was probably the part that scared me the most. My biggest fear was (and still is, although not as strong) not being emotionally able to let go of the children that would be coming into our lives.  Justin and I talked about it and decided we would take each situation as it came - staying close together through everything. I've been reminding myself that "babies need attachment more than foster parents need to be protected from it."  

So, where are we now?  We've finished our classes, our fingerprints have come back, and our CORIs (criminal record check) have processed.  We had our meeting with our Family Resource Worker (FRW) and she is working on/finishing/has already completed our Home Study. Essentially we are waiting for a phone call. We have bins of clothes that have been donated, purchased, and gifted; we have toys, sheets, bath toys, bottles, sippy cups, some diapers and wipes. Things are not even close to being "ready", but what parent is ever 100% ready? We need to paint the bedroom and figure out where all the stuff is going - but it will happen.  Everything will fall into place, or it won't and we'll figure things out on the fly. That's the exciting part, right? 

I've enjoyed blogging before and this is going to be a long journey that I feel needs to be documented.  I have no expectations of posting or keeping this going for years to come, but it will be an organic thing that will grow as our family grows.  I'm hoping to share stories, information, ideas, and emotions.  I'll start off with some pins I've found on Pinterest that have struck a chord with me over the past few months. 

Here's to our new adventure!