The Emotions Get So Jumbled Up

I started to write this blog about all the things that have happened over the past few weeks. There has been a lot of stuff going on with doctor's appointments, illnesses, specialist appointments, child care changes, a parent visit, a FRW visit, a social worker visit, a probate visit, etc. I could take up a lot of space writing about all of these appointments - these appointments have taken up a lot of time. But I'm not going to do that.  I need a chance to write about the emotions of all of this because while there are a lot of things happening, the emotions are what sit with all day. 

Watching our little guy learn and grow has been amazing. Because I work in early intervention I've had many opportunities to watch kids struggle with a new skill, learn the new skill, and move on to something else.  It is a whole different ball game when that kid is your own.  Our little dude came to us not walking and not saying any words. He is now all over the place and trying his hardest to run!  Tonight was funny watching him swing his arm as he walked around the living room - a new today thing he's started doing. It's really hard not to smile when I think about it!  He is also saying a few words now - all done, up, on, boom.  I finally recorded them tonight because his voice is adorable and I want to remember it forever. 

And there it is, the part that gets me - we might not have him forever. His little voice saying "mumma" may be the only voice we hear from him. I am trying very hard to remember that we are his "right now" family. We are the people God chose for him at this specific time in his life. It's so easy to type these words as they come, but to actually sit and think about is another thing altogether. It makes me so deeply sad to think about the future without him. I try to stay focused on the right now. I try to remember that this is God's plan and my feeble attempts to control it are futile. What He wants to be will be. What's funny is there are times when I really hope LD's Mom is ready to have him back in her life.  That's where a little boy should be - with his Mom and with his family. I believe in my soul that people can change (I may have said that before so excuse me if I'm reiterating it - I think I need to tell myself this more often now), so I pray for LD's Mom to make the changes she needs to make so she can provide the best life for her son. Her son. My son. What a lucky guy to have two women who love him so much they each call him their son. Right?

It's like I'm stuck in this gray area. A limbo for people who want to be parents more than anything else in the world. Day-to-day I love being his Mom. I love seeing his big smile when I get him out of his crib in the morning. I love picking out his clothes. I look forward to getting pictures from his childcare providers. I want my work days to end early so I can scoop him up and smoother him in kisses and hugs. Now, don't get me wrong. I also love nap time and bed time. I love when my husband is able to do bath time and I can sit and mindless scroll through Facebook.  

I don't want this post to feel overly sad. I'm not sad. I'm an emotion I can't really put into words.  I'm eternally grateful that God has given me an opportunity to make a difference in this little dude's life. I am happy beyond words that I get to hear his little voice everyday. I'm overjoyed to be his Mom right now. I am unsteady in my reactions when he falls or bumps his head. I worry that I shouldn't let anything happen to him because he's not my son. But when the ophthalmologist told me he didn't want to help because he didn't see the lazy eye that I've seen since LD came to us - I turned into full-on Mamma Bear, because he is my son.  

Ugh - the emotions get so jumbled up.  This post is definitely not one of my best. It's not incredibly thought out or focused. But my hope in writing and sharing about my experience as a foster parent is to be true. I want to share the realness of it all.  During my MAPP training the faciliatators all made it very clear that being a foster parent isn't all butterflies and rainbows.  I think it's probably safe to say that parenting in general isn't butterflies and rainbows, but I think I'm starting to understand what they mean. Being a foster parent is managing the emotions that come with being a parent, but also keeping in mind (and in check) the emotions that come with knowing this might not be forever.

So I will save the video of our little dude saying "all done" and "up(pa)" and "on."  I will save it because it might be our forever. This little dude will forever be part of our lives. He is shaping my husband and I each and every day. 

6 Week Meeting and a Llama

So much has happened in the past couple of weeks.  I honestly cannot believe that our Little Dude will have been with us for 4 weeks this Tuesday.  Drop-off, pick-up, bath time, meal time, play time, nap time, and all the other times - it's cliche, but time really does fly.  

We had the 6-week placement meeting with DCF last week. Even though he's only been with us for 4 weeks he has been in the care of DCF for 6, and that is the first time a meeting occurs between all the people involved.  At this meeting there was Justin and I, LD's social worker, the social worker's supervisor, our FRW, and the site supervisor (I think that was her title).  Little Dude's bio-mom was also invited but not present. The meeting was basically a review of how everything has been going.  The site supervisor led the meeting and began by asking LD's social worker about why he was removed from Mom's care.  The conversation was informative and I'm so glad we were there to hear more about our LD's story. The conversation shifted to how our guy has been doing and what types of services he's receiving and what he needs.  The supervisor was great about explaining why and what was happening. We were also asked if we needed any additional resources. We learned about the next steps - a court date at the end of May, then (if LD stays in DCF custody) another DCF review meeting.  I honestly can't remember if that will happen at 3 months or 6 months. I think it's a 3 months, then there is another one at 6 months, and finally a fourth meeting around 9 months to talk about LD's permanency plan.  

The permanency plan is what Little Dude's track is - reunification or pre-adoptive.  Most, if not all, children who are removed from the care of their parents have a goal of reunification.  It's incredibly complicated and I don't have enough knowledge to share without muddy things, so I'll just say this - LD's plan is reunification. In my heart I know the best place for him is with his biological family if they can provide a safe and loving environment. However, my heart also knows that there will be a hole if LD leaves us.  There are lots of prayers in this house for our Little Dude to always be in a place filled with love. 

In addition to that meeting we've also scheduled a couple appointments with different specialists and are waiting to hear back from a few more. We are transitioning to a new daycare that is closer and will give LD more opportunities with kids his own age. We've had a visit with our FRW and his SW, and LD has had a visit with his Mom at the DCF office. 

We've taken our Little Dude to the park, out to eat, to church, to family functions, and to the library to meet a llama.  These have been the best times!  It's so much fun watching him watching everything around him.  He's so nosy! We always have to remind him to actually look at what he's eating because he's too busy smiling at anyone who catches his eye. He loved the park, especially the slide. It was a lot of work for him to walk up and down the hills and climb the stairs to the slide. I think I was more excited about meeting the Llama at the library. LD was interested, but was more excited about being in a new place with other kids.  Such a fun experience for both of us. Today was a day with Justin. I love that he is so comfortable taking care of and hanging out with LD.  He's always on the floor with him, playing, making him laugh, getting him to eat, and just being a great Dad. 

I'll keep the updates coming, but don't mind me if I can't write as often as I'd like to - I'm probably busy hanging out with our Little Dude! We've got a long weekend coming up and we have nothing scheduled.  My mom might be coming up for a visit and meeting LD for the first time!  Another person to spoil him and love him.  What a lucky Little Dude! 

Things Are Getting Real

We had a visit with our FRW this afternoon.  Earlier in the day she had emailed asking for a final document and to let us know that she had a kid to talk to us about.  Obviously Justin and I spent the rest of the day thinking about the "kid".  The conversation went from normal to crazy real quick - A baby? A Toddler? Siblings? Teen Mom? Yup - quick escalation. 

The excitement happened fast but we were also quick to keep it in check. We've been told things can change from day-to-day and even hour-to-hour when you're working with DCF.  We spent the day finishing the kid's room and rearranging the living room. We'd spent the past few days cleaning, organizing, and finally painting both rooms so everything was everywhere. 

By 3pm we were ready for our visit. Our FRW arrived and we jumped right into the kids (yes you read that correctly - multiple children) she wanted to talk to us about.  Here's what we know:

1) The first little guy (R) is 18-months-old.  He has global developmental delays and has been night-to-night for a while.  Night-to-night means he's been sleeping at different foster homes because his social worker hasn't been able to find a permanent placement for him. He goes to daycare Monday-Friday and, because his teachers there have been consistent throughout multiple prior placements, the plan would be for him to continue there. He would be coming to us either Monday or Tuesday.

2) The second little guy (J) is 7-months-old.  He was premature and born exposed to drugs. He had some medical complications and is currently "in a hospital bed" because his needs were too great for a typical foster home.  His health has improved and is no longer in need of the medical placement so he'll be loosing his medical bed May 31st. The plan for this baby would be developing a transition plan with his current caregivers and social worker. We'd be visiting him in his placement until he's ready (and we're ready) for him to come home with us.  

So let's recap - 2 kids. 2 kids under 2-years-old. 2 kids under 2-years-old within the next 2 month.  

FRW made sure we knew that she wasn't asking us to take both kids, especially since this would be our first placement.  She thought both would be good matches given my background in early childhood development/early intervention. She was especially hopeful that we'd be interested in taking R because he'd been night-to-night for awhile. Justin and I asked a few questions and talked about both kids for about 15 minutes. 

We agreed to take both R and J.  We might be crazy. We might be over-zealous. We might be welcoming two little boys into our lives for a week, a month, 6-months, a year, forever.  

What we are definitely doing is beginning this amazing part of our lives.  

The Journey Begins

This is the beginning of our journey down a road that will likely have bumps, wrong turns, dead ends, surprises, laughter, learning, faith, and love. It is also the beginning of a journey that will undoubtedly change our lives forever. We are becoming foster parents.

Justin and I have been married for 7 1/2 years and we started trying to have biological children pretty soon after our last dance. To make a very long story short - we both have some fertility issues and we've been unable to have children. In those years together, with 5 more before the actual wedding, we've become a solid team of two. We have our ups and downs, but in the end we are a couple of people meant to be together forever. Our faith and belief in God has strengthened our love and over time we realized God had a plan for us to raise children in a way we had only briefly considered. There had been times when I talked to Justin about feeling the call to adopt a child and we discussed the possibility of doing just that after having our own biological children.  

A few years ago we went to an orientation meeting for becoming foster/pre-adoptive parents through the Department of Children and Families (DCF). The meeting was informational but it didn't feel like something we were ready to jump into.  

Flash forward to December 2016 - I was having a hard time with not being able to have children the "old-fashioned" way and was talking to my therapist about all the emotions that come with infertility. He said something that has stuck with me since that day - "maybe you were not meant to give birth children, but to raise children." That was the moment that it all clicked for me. Of course my husband and I were going to raise children, but that didn't mean I had to be pregnant for 9 months and actually deliver them.  It meant that we were going to parent children. We were going to provide a safe and loving home for children. It meant that we were going to have "up-all-nighters", dirty diapers, first steps, first words, and lots of love. 

I made a phone call to the local DCF office and was quickly enrolled in the mandatory 10-week MAPP training.  MAPP stands for Massachusetts Approach to Partnerships in Parenting.  The class was eye-opening. There were five instructors, including a current foster parent, and about 10 other people taking the class.  We talked about the highs and lows, the ins and outs, and the goal of foster care - reunification.  That was probably the part that scared me the most. My biggest fear was (and still is, although not as strong) not being emotionally able to let go of the children that would be coming into our lives.  Justin and I talked about it and decided we would take each situation as it came - staying close together through everything. I've been reminding myself that "babies need attachment more than foster parents need to be protected from it."  

So, where are we now?  We've finished our classes, our fingerprints have come back, and our CORIs (criminal record check) have processed.  We had our meeting with our Family Resource Worker (FRW) and she is working on/finishing/has already completed our Home Study. Essentially we are waiting for a phone call. We have bins of clothes that have been donated, purchased, and gifted; we have toys, sheets, bath toys, bottles, sippy cups, some diapers and wipes. Things are not even close to being "ready", but what parent is ever 100% ready? We need to paint the bedroom and figure out where all the stuff is going - but it will happen.  Everything will fall into place, or it won't and we'll figure things out on the fly. That's the exciting part, right? 

I've enjoyed blogging before and this is going to be a long journey that I feel needs to be documented.  I have no expectations of posting or keeping this going for years to come, but it will be an organic thing that will grow as our family grows.  I'm hoping to share stories, information, ideas, and emotions.  I'll start off with some pins I've found on Pinterest that have struck a chord with me over the past few months. 

Here's to our new adventure!